Children

Last night one of my best friends from high school (Mike Stephens) called me and we got to talking about life since we last saw each other in 1989. I asked him about having kids, and he's a happy dad. He then asked me the question that I have been getting a lot lately: "[When] Are you planning on having kids?"

I then gave my typical reply: "I don't think I would be a good dad."

Then, as expected, I got the reply of: "You'd be a great dad."

My then (usual) reply was: "No, I really don't think I would."

My normal mindset (excuse) was usually tied to a 'fear'. Either of genes (Jen and I are manic depressive and that will pass on... I really don't wish that on ANYONE), or discipline (I get angry very quick and am afraid I might hurt them), or mutations (I'm so very afraid of getting a child that's deaf or has down-syndrome, or worse), and even the fact that I can take about 5 hours MAX around children before I have the urge to 'boot one to the head'. Children crying, screaming, making noise angers me. I really can't stand it. It makes me anxious and, if sustained, makes me go into a 'panic attack'. People say things like "Oh, it's different when it's your own children"... I work on court cases every day and, I can assure you, seeing instances of hurting children every day, it is most certainly not.

But today, for some reason, I began to think about the REAL reason why I don't think I would be a good dad... and it's just a few words: "I'm not ready to give up my freedom."

Mike, Collin... in fact all my friends with children have all spoken about how difficult it is to do things with children in tow (if they do things at all). I think I'm a bit selfish right now in that I am happy with where I am and what I am doing and that I don't want to get rid of that freedom. I just grew up myself... why do I want to have a kid?

I really don't want to make my wife sad. I really don't. Every time someone brings up 'children' I avoid looking at her sad and disappointed gaze at the floor. She knows that I would be happy with just it being us for our lifetimes... I don't need a child in my life. I don't have the wanting to procreate. I don't feel that making a baby would fulfill some part of me. But I know that she wants a child, and I know that she has half-heartedly given up on me wanting one.

Hurting her this way kills me a bit every time I think about it.

This is my blog, and I don't write this to upset her (as she reads this every so often) or to instigate anything. It has been on my mind recently, and I just feel the need to 'vent'. Feel free to post comments if you wish.