Children

Last night one of my best friends from high school (Mike Stephens) called me and we got to talking about life since we last saw each other in 1989. I asked him about having kids, and he's a happy dad. He then asked me the question that I have been getting a lot lately: "[When] Are you planning on having kids?"

I then gave my typical reply: "I don't think I would be a good dad."

Then, as expected, I got the reply of: "You'd be a great dad."

My then (usual) reply was: "No, I really don't think I would."

My normal mindset (excuse) was usually tied to a 'fear'. Either of genes (Jen and I are manic depressive and that will pass on... I really don't wish that on ANYONE), or discipline (I get angry very quick and am afraid I might hurt them), or mutations (I'm so very afraid of getting a child that's deaf or has down-syndrome, or worse), and even the fact that I can take about 5 hours MAX around children before I have the urge to 'boot one to the head'. Children crying, screaming, making noise angers me. I really can't stand it. It makes me anxious and, if sustained, makes me go into a 'panic attack'. People say things like "Oh, it's different when it's your own children"... I work on court cases every day and, I can assure you, seeing instances of hurting children every day, it is most certainly not.

But today, for some reason, I began to think about the REAL reason why I don't think I would be a good dad... and it's just a few words: "I'm not ready to give up my freedom."

Mike, Collin... in fact all my friends with children have all spoken about how difficult it is to do things with children in tow (if they do things at all). I think I'm a bit selfish right now in that I am happy with where I am and what I am doing and that I don't want to get rid of that freedom. I just grew up myself... why do I want to have a kid?

I really don't want to make my wife sad. I really don't. Every time someone brings up 'children' I avoid looking at her sad and disappointed gaze at the floor. She knows that I would be happy with just it being us for our lifetimes... I don't need a child in my life. I don't have the wanting to procreate. I don't feel that making a baby would fulfill some part of me. But I know that she wants a child, and I know that she has half-heartedly given up on me wanting one.

Hurting her this way kills me a bit every time I think about it.

This is my blog, and I don't write this to upset her (as she reads this every so often) or to instigate anything. It has been on my mind recently, and I just feel the need to 'vent'. Feel free to post comments if you wish.

Musical MySpace Monday... plus one

Lorito Opens His Beak.

A local Springs band that's really very good.

The "PLUS ONE" part is Tom Waits' song "Day After Tomorrow". This is the version from the album (look down the page), not the Comedy Central episode of The Daily Show.

Hmmm... I think I can do this...

Thanks to Collin for "Tag-you're-it"-ing me into this.

The thing is that I am very straightforward as to who I am and things about my past (even recently). Some of this may shock those of you who know little to nothing about me... some of this may not even surprise those of you who do. But, unlike Collin's, this will be the truth. This isn't a confessional (that'll be my 55th birthday present to everyone) it's just some cool tid-bits about me that I think might be interesting.

1) Justin Carmical is not my real name (well, not my FULL real name). My name when I was born was Justin Spencer Patrick. When my mother got divorced, she changed my name to Justin Spencer Carmical, but the clerk got it wrong and my real name became (and is still) Justin Spencer Patrick Carmical.

2) I'm bad at keeping secrets. VERY BAD. But the thing is, there is really only one childhood secret that I have kept... and I STILL have never told anyone. And I never intend to. My friend Mike shares the same secret, although I don't know if he has ever told anyone. It's silly, I know, and it really doesn't affect anyone... but it's nice to have at least one secret in your life from when you were growing up with friends.

3) While living in Boulder, Colorado (while growing up) I had two friends who were twin siblings One-Free (the boy) and Fire-Genni (the girl) Foster. With our friend (my first best friend) Scott Johnson we went all over our local neighborhood exploring, playing, and getting into trouble. They were my first really true friends that I can remember. We would go swimming at the rec-center, catch "garter snakes" in the empty lot behind our housing area, we'd always sleep over at our respective houses. One-Free even showed me my first 'virtual breasts' when he secretly showed us all his dad's copy of 'Heavy Metal Magazine'. Oooh... scandalous. Scott Johnson later showed me his dad's copy of Playboy magazine to fulfill my step into depravity.

4) Collin put one "bad thing" he did so I guess I should too. So, I must confess that one day in elementary school (I want to say 4th grade), One-Free got a can of Skoal (yes, THAT Skoal) and talked me into getting on top of the school roof to 'dip' with him. Wow. They 'felt' a 'buzz' of some sort, but I swear I dipped more than they did simply because I felt nothing and kept adding more to my mouth and kept it in there longer than they did. Eventually, we spit it out and got off of the roof and went to play somewhere. We were BIG into Battle of the Planets, so we probably did that.

5) The five people that I would have extra-marital relations with (in order): Grace Jones (I'd leave anyone for Grace Jones), David Bowie, Princess Peach (I don't know of a rule forbidding a 'fictional character' from being in this kind of list!), Tori Amos (gasp... red hair... so hawt), and Jennifer Tilly (swoon).

Mike, Jen, Paul, Ed, and Ty... 'tag'.

Thanks again to Collin...

...for a great link!

It really sounds like something Japan would do. Remember me saying how everyone recycles?

DownTown

When I was learning Japanese in the 90's, there was a TV show I watched that some Japanese ladies imported for me called "DownTown". I still have a few of the tapes, and the two stars are HIL-ARIOUS!

Well, it's good to see that they're still doing stuff. The two stars are the bald guy and the one with the HUGE fan.

Reason #1

...that I need to get a Japanese Wii.

Ennichino Tatsujin

Dag-nabbit! Why did the Wii have to be region-locked?!?

Well, at least the DS can still grant me a cool cooking game that I can import.

So F-ing Excited...

I just cannot tell you...

One of Jen's dreams was to see the Pumpkins in concert and, she was afraid when they broke up, that she'd never be able to. Now... we both can.